I Trust You

"Whatever Your Doing" by Sanctus Real

"...Whatever your doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

...Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything, I surrender..."

The past three months, more than any other time in my life, I have found myself speaking the words, "I don't know what You are doing, but I trust You" and this song has run through my head a hundred times. I spoke them the first time I held Becca in China and she was limp and never made eye contact. I spoke them when our pediatrician told me that Becca would never walk, talk or see. I spoke them when we were in the hospital with Becca and she was writhing in pain. I spoke them just last week when the nurse came to tell us that Brennan was bleeding and they were prepping the Operating Room for him again. And I spoke them today when I was driving home from Greenville and Becca began throwing up in the backseat (I already had two sick kids waiting for me at home).

I don't know how people walk through life without an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is a very present help in time of need and I have needed Him more in the past 3 months than ever before. He is sending me on this journey, despite my insufficiency, because He is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or think. I am just praying that I am being molded and shaped into a more accurate representation of the God I serve and love. 

It bothers me when people tell me how great I am for adopting Rebecca. God is the great one, I would have never chosen this for myself because it is too difficult. This is all about God and how amazing He is! I trust Him!

2 months (plus a week and few days) home

This past month has been filled with lots of ups and downs, but God has been consistent! In mid March we received the results from Rebecca's sedated MRI, here is what we know:

At some point in Rebecca's very earliest days, she suffered major brain trauma. We do not know and will never know how this happened, but it likely happened one of three ways. Either she suffered a stroke while in utero, suffered a stroke during pre-term delivery or someone injured her after birth. However it happened, the damage to her brain is extensive. At this time we still don't have a good grasp on what this means for her future. We hope to get a lot of questions answered during her Neurologist appointment in early May.

The day before we received her MRI results, I took Becca to the eye doctor. During this visit the eye doctor discovered that she has "pale optic nerves". I, of course, came home and began doing research on pale optic nerves. My fears for her vision were confirmed the next day when we got her MRI results. Becca has CVI or Cortical Blindness. At the time her brain was injured her optic nerves were injured as well. CVI is not correctable with glasses because her eyes are functioning correctly.

What does that mean?

Well, her eyes are functioning correctly, however because of the damage to the optic nerves her brain is not receiving the information. So, she can see light and dark and can see things really close to her face. Since she can't tell us, we don't know how well she is seeing the things she can see...is it fuzzy, blurry, etc.

Where are we going from here?

We have been referred to South Carolina's School For The Deaf and Blind (which is located here in Spartanburg for those of you reading this who do not live here). They will be coordinating her therapies. Rebecca will start Occupational, Speech, Physical and Vision therapy very soon. If at some point she is able to walk, she will also receive Mobility therapy from the Deaf and Blind School. These therapies will be free until she is three, which is only about 4 1/2 months away. So, we are in the process of applying for insurance for children who have disabilities. This insurance will help us pay for the therapy she needs.

How are we (Bucky and Julie) doing?

God is a God of peace and comfort and in Him we have no reason to fear! We, of course, have cried more in the past month than we ever have. Not because we are disappointed or unhappy, but because we love her so much and it is natural for us to mourn the disappearance of our dreams for her (falling in love, getting married, having babies). I found myself the first few days worrying over whether or not we needed to sell our home and get a ranch style house because we can't carry her upstairs forever. Or whether or not we are going to have to purchase a wheel chair accessible van. I had to put all those worries behind me and take this one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time.

Becca is growing and changing everyday. She is a joy to have in our home and in our family. She is able to say "mama", "papa" and "hello". This past week she copied me when I said "I love you" It came out like, "Ga Ga Oooo" but I think it is remarkable, given her brain injury, that she got all the syllables in there. She no longer needs a pacifier or bottle to soothe her, she is comforted by my voice and touch. If she is awake in the morning when I go in and get her, just the sound of my voice sends into smiles and giggles. She is becoming more alert and aware and less like she is in her own little world. Her special needs has just etched her into our hearts a little bit deeper.

We, of course, are thankful for all of you who have brought us a meal, helped with my other children, and prayed for us. Our church family has been an amazing blessing and we are so thankful for you! Please continue to pray for us.

I am weak.

Yesterday is a day I hope to never re-live. Bucky and I walked into the post-op room to find Becca face down on the bed with blood oozing from her mouth and nose. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and and I was scared to touch her, scared I would pull a hose and hurt her. I sat down in the rocker and she was placed in my arms. I immediately became overcome with emotion and started sobbing over her. Her blood stained face and the stench of blood on her breath was more than this mama's heart could bear and I nearly passed out. I had to hand her over to Bucky, remove my jacket and sit in another chair. The nurse offered me ice water and I was feeling better before long...I am weak.

After I recovered, we were moved to our private room. It was difficult to see my baby girl so agitated from the anesthesia and in pain. Last night was the worst. She was in so much pain and at one point I was holding her and she was writhing and kicking and I was having to hold her down. I again got a whiff of her bloody breath and I began sobbing. I had to beg God to give me the strength to stay in my seat with her in my arms because everything in me wanted to hand her to her daddy and run...run far away. I am weak, but He is strong.

"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, BUT HE IS STRONG!..."

Follow Up and One Month Home

Here is a follow up to my "Wimp" post...

I think it is wimpy for a man to not take his wife seriously. If a woman approaches her Christian husband about an issue she feels God may be leading her to and her husband immediately shuts her down with whatever excuse he can come up with, I think that is wimpy. Notice I said Christian. I don't expect a non Christian husband to want to search the Scriptures and pray about adoption. But for the Christian, orphan care can not be ignored. The Bible over and over again commands us to care for the orphan. Now, do I believe every Christian is called to adopt? Absolutely not!! But we are called to do something. Ladies if you have a husband who will not even consider adoption and you feel God is calling your family to adopt, PRAY!

Adoption is hard and costly! Most adopted children come with broken hearts and years of hurt. But isn't that how God found you? I know he didn't find me swaddled in a white blanket with a bow wrapped around my head. I was dirty and messy and dying in my sin when he found me and rescued me. He calls some (I believe more than what are responding) Christians to do the same for children here and around the world.

One Month Home:

Aww, what a difference a month can make! We have seen some very exciting progress this past month:

-Sleeping through the night

-Sitting up without assistance

-Tolerating baby food better

-Happier personality

-Making better eye contact

-Beginning to play with toys

-Signs of attachment

We still have a long road ahead of us. We are waiting on her MRI results and Becca has an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. On March 21st we will go for her first FACET appointment. At that appointment she will have blood drawn for genetic testing and will also meet with her plastic surgeon, ENT doctor, dietician, and several other specialists. The specialists will then have a meeting and come up with a care plan for her. Her cleft palate surgery is scheduled for the 29th of March and she will be staying in the hospital for several days to recover. Becca should start Occupational, Speech, Physical and Vision therapy soon. My calendar is filling up quickly and sometime I have to squeeze a dentist appointment into our schedule as well.

We appreciate all your prayers, please keep praying!

WARNING: You Might Get Offended

In the past six years I have had woman after woman say something along the lines of this to me, "I would LOVE to adopt, but my husband is not on board." Do you know what I don't say, but really want to? "I am sorry you married a WIMP!!" My second thought is more along the lines of the 140 million children that will never have someone hold and kiss them and tell them they are special and God made them. My mind wanders to the young Ukrainian girl who will age out and turn to prostitution to support herself. Or the 10 year old Bulgarian girl whose hair is cut to make her look like a boy for fear she will be kidnapped and sold into the sex trade industry. I think of the 13 year old boy who is only 2 or so years from aging out who will likely become a criminal or commit suicide by the time he turns 18. I think about the baby girl in China who is developmentally delayed and she will likely lay on a mattress on the floor today and someone will eventually walk by and hand her bottle and leave again.

Then, of course, I can almost always count on these to be the next words out of her (you know the women I mentioned earlier) mouth, "It's the money, he can't imagine where we could get that kind of money and we wouldn't want to go into debt to adopt" And I always have to bite my tongue as I look outside and see a beautiful, almost new SUV or mini van sitting outside that this picture perfect family just climbed of and I think REALLY??? So, you either just had $20,000 to $30,000 just sitting in savings or you have put this automobile on a several year payment plan. So, we (citizens of the US) will go into debt for an automobile that will depreciate and die, but won't even think about doing that "for the least of these"? I DON'T GET IT....SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME???

My final thoughts: I am SOOO glad I didn't marry a wimp!

Jet Lag, Phone Calls, Strep Throat and an ER visit

That pretty much sums up our first two weeks home!

Well, we made it home! The flights from Hong Kong to Chicago to Greenville/Spartanburg were fairly uneventful. Rebecca squealed loudly a couple of times and slept maybe 1.5 hours in a 24 hour period. God, of course, heard our prayers and our flight landed in Chicago one hour early so that gave us even more time to make it through Immigration. Everything with Immigration went quickly and before we knew it, we had our luggage checked again, made it through US security (by the way, having a baby prevented me from having the full body scan! Bucky was not so lucky), found our gate and ate an AMERICAN meal...Chili's never tasted so good.

It was so good to see my mom and our boys when we landed at GSP airport. We had a crew of church members waiting for us at baggage claim as well. We made it home about 5:30 and Becca was asleep by 6 and me and Bucky were not too far behind. Becca's first few nights home were rough. She would go to sleep between 6 and 8 pm, wake up at midnight and play in her crib til 5am and then I would get up with her and give her a bottle and start our day. Thankfully this only lasted two to three nights. Her normal routine now is to go to bed between 8 and 9pm, wake once in the night and need a little comforting and then sleep until 6:30 or 7am. I can't complain about that schedule.

Becca is a sweet, precious baby girl! We have seen her transform from a scared, overwhelmed and confused baby to a peaceful, relaxed and happy baby. This past week heard more jabbering, noticed her copying us (she mostly likes to fake cough if she hears us cough), received an unsolicited smile and today Sasha taught her how to make the Indian sound by patting her hand on her mouth. He showed her how to do that in the car today and tonight, while getting her pajamas on, she began to do it.

I have spent a lot of time on the phone the past two weeks. I have been speaking with our insurance agency, BabyNet (South Carolina's early intervention program), Children's Rehabilitation Services (service providers for special needs children), and the pediatrician's office. We have many evaluations and doctors to visit in the next few months/years. My calendar is filling up and I am trying to not get overwhelmed with all I still need to do to get her the help she needs.

On Saturday my throat began to hurt and I assumed it was just sinus drainage. When I arrived home from church on Sunday, I was running a 101 degree temperature and feeling BAAADDD. I felt so bad that I told Bucky he HAD to take ALL the children with him to church that night because I just couldn't care for them. I was in to see the dr at 9am Monday morning and I tested positive for Strep Throat. I was secretly relieved that it was something as serious as Strep because then Bucky would know that I was not kidding. The doctor offered several days of antibiotic pills or one big shot. I took the big shot and was feeling much better about 36 hours later.

On Tuesday, Bucky and I took Becca to her first pediatrician appointment. Her head circumference and height are in the 5th percentile and her weight is in the 3rd percentile. Because of her small head size, developmental delays and other concerns, the pediatrician is scheduling a sedated MRI on Becca's brain. We will hopefully have that done in the next month. The pediatrician also said she had a double ear infection. We knew she would have ear problems because the her plastic surgeon told us that 100% of his cleft palate babies have tubes in their ears because of chronic ear infections. Becca was prescribed Amoxicillin. WELL, we now know she is allergic to Amoxicillin. About 45 minutes after administering the first dose the porcelain skin on her ears, cheeks, nose and chin turned bright red and hot. I called the on call nurse at the pediatrician's office and she called the on call dr. The dr said to give her Benadryl and take her on to the ER for monitoring. So, around 9pm me and Becca left for the ER. The ER monitored her for a while, prescribed her a new antibiotic and released us around 11:30pm. I am beginning to wonder if my life will ever settle down.

Bucky and I really appreciate everyone who has brought us a meal, folded laundry and bought diapers and wipes. We are truly blessed to call you all friends. Please continue to pray for us!

Visa Appointment

This morning we left our hotel at 7:30 am and then drove to the Garden Hotel (which is on the mainland) to pick up another couple traveling with our group. Our appointment at the US Consulate was this morning at 8:30 am. That all went very smoothly as opposed to our US Embassy appointment in Guatemala for Xan's adoption where I left our passports at our hotel. Bucky and I along with about 12 other families stood, raised our right hands and took an oath that will allow our children to be US citizens once we reach the USA. Rebecca slept through all of it. She has a bit of a rough night last night. At first she had a hard time settling down for bed. She was in her crib talking and rocking and she hit her head on the side of the crib so I put my hand on the crib so that if she did it again she wouldn't hurt her head. Well, she did it again and realized my hand was there and then began rubbing her face on my hand and cracking up laughing. Of course, then I got tickled. I eventually picked her up and rocked her for a little while and she settled down. She woke up once in the night and I rocked her she had a little bit of a harder time falling asleep. Then her nose started running and she is a tummy sleeper and she couldn't breath which made the rest of the night a little restless. I tried to get to sleep on her back, but she refused. So, she was tired enough to take a nap during her Consulate appointment.

Today is our last full day in Guangzhou. Tomorrow we will check out of our hotel at 2:30, but our van that is going to take us to Hong Kong will not arrive until 4:00. So we are going to leave our luggage with the bellhop at our hotel, go to a restaurant for a late lunch and do some last minute site seeing, then meet our driver at 4. We will then drive back to the Garden Hotel on the mainland and pick up the couple I mentioned above. The drive to Hong Kong will take about 2 1/2 hours. We are staying at the Marriott Hotel at the Hong Kong airport for one night and our flight to Chicago leaves Thursday morning at 11:00 am. We are so ready to be home. I can't wait to be home with my boys and my mom.

Please pray for me as I have a million things running through my head that I need to do once we are home to begin getting Rebecca the help she needs. I would be lying if I said this whole doesn't scare the living day lights out of me and if it weren't for the fact that I know that God hand picked Rebecca out for our family, I would likely have already had a nervous break down. There is so much comfort in knowing that He knows what her future holds and He simply is asking me to walk it with her, completely dependent on Him. "He makes all things work together for my good!" Amen.