"...Whatever your doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
...Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender..."
The past three months, more than any other time in my life, I have found myself speaking the words, "I don't know what You are doing, but I trust You" and this song has run through my head a hundred times. I spoke them the first time I held Becca in China and she was limp and never made eye contact. I spoke them when our pediatrician told me that Becca would never walk, talk or see. I spoke them when we were in the hospital with Becca and she was writhing in pain. I spoke them just last week when the nurse came to tell us that Brennan was bleeding and they were prepping the Operating Room for him again. And I spoke them today when I was driving home from Greenville and Becca began throwing up in the backseat (I already had two sick kids waiting for me at home).
I don't know how people walk through life without an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is a very present help in time of need and I have needed Him more in the past 3 months than ever before. He is sending me on this journey, despite my insufficiency, because He is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or think. I am just praying that I am being molded and shaped into a more accurate representation of the God I serve and love.
It bothers me when people tell me how great I am for adopting Rebecca. God is the great one, I would have never chosen this for myself because it is too difficult. This is all about God and how amazing He is! I trust Him!