Monday, April 30, 2012

I Trust You

"Whatever Your Doing" by Sanctus Real

"...Whatever your doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

...Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender..."

The past three months, more than any other time in my life, I have found myself speaking the words, "I don't know what You are doing, but I trust You" and this song has run through my head a hundred times. I spoke them the first time I held Becca in China and she was limp and never made eye contact. I spoke them when our pediatrician told me that Becca would never walk, talk or see. I spoke them when we were in the hospital with Becca and she was writhing in pain. I spoke them just last week when the nurse came to tell us that Brennan was bleeding and they were prepping the Operating Room for him again. And I spoke them today when I was driving home from Greenville and Becca began throwing up in the backseat (I already had two sick kids waiting for me at home).

I don't know how people walk through life without an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is a very present help in time of need and I have needed Him more in the past 3 months than ever before. He is sending me on this journey, despite my insufficiency, because He is able to do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or think. I am just praying that I am being molded and shaped into a more accurate representation of the God I serve and love. 

It bothers me when people tell me how great I am for adopting Rebecca. God is the great one, I would have never chosen this for myself because it is too difficult. This is all about God and how amazing He is! I trust Him!

1 comment:

The Kerr Family said...

Thank you for your honesty. It seems we are each walking a difficult journey the last 3 months...just in different ways. I have found myself longing for Him to return for His Bride every day and almost all day long. Every cloud I see, I beg Him to be in it returning for us. I'm so thankful for the glorious hope of salvation and our futures where little Becca will be perfectly whole, and we will be reunited with Brandon. You and I can hang out because we won't be separated by miles between us! Again, we love you guys and are praying for you.