I am weak.

Yesterday is a day I hope to never re-live. Bucky and I walked into the post-op room to find Becca face down on the bed with blood oozing from her mouth and nose. The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her and and I was scared to touch her, scared I would pull a hose and hurt her. I sat down in the rocker and she was placed in my arms. I immediately became overcome with emotion and started sobbing over her. Her blood stained face and the stench of blood on her breath was more than this mama's heart could bear and I nearly passed out. I had to hand her over to Bucky, remove my jacket and sit in another chair. The nurse offered me ice water and I was feeling better before long...I am weak.

After I recovered, we were moved to our private room. It was difficult to see my baby girl so agitated from the anesthesia and in pain. Last night was the worst. She was in so much pain and at one point I was holding her and she was writhing and kicking and I was having to hold her down. I again got a whiff of her bloody breath and I began sobbing. I had to beg God to give me the strength to stay in my seat with her in my arms because everything in me wanted to hand her to her daddy and run...run far away. I am weak, but He is strong.

"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, BUT HE IS STRONG!..."

Follow Up and One Month Home

Here is a follow up to my "Wimp" post...

I think it is wimpy for a man to not take his wife seriously. If a woman approaches her Christian husband about an issue she feels God may be leading her to and her husband immediately shuts her down with whatever excuse he can come up with, I think that is wimpy. Notice I said Christian. I don't expect a non Christian husband to want to search the Scriptures and pray about adoption. But for the Christian, orphan care can not be ignored. The Bible over and over again commands us to care for the orphan. Now, do I believe every Christian is called to adopt? Absolutely not!! But we are called to do something. Ladies if you have a husband who will not even consider adoption and you feel God is calling your family to adopt, PRAY!

Adoption is hard and costly! Most adopted children come with broken hearts and years of hurt. But isn't that how God found you? I know he didn't find me swaddled in a white blanket with a bow wrapped around my head. I was dirty and messy and dying in my sin when he found me and rescued me. He calls some (I believe more than what are responding) Christians to do the same for children here and around the world.

One Month Home:

Aww, what a difference a month can make! We have seen some very exciting progress this past month:

-Sleeping through the night

-Sitting up without assistance

-Tolerating baby food better

-Happier personality

-Making better eye contact

-Beginning to play with toys

-Signs of attachment

We still have a long road ahead of us. We are waiting on her MRI results and Becca has an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. On March 21st we will go for her first FACET appointment. At that appointment she will have blood drawn for genetic testing and will also meet with her plastic surgeon, ENT doctor, dietician, and several other specialists. The specialists will then have a meeting and come up with a care plan for her. Her cleft palate surgery is scheduled for the 29th of March and she will be staying in the hospital for several days to recover. Becca should start Occupational, Speech, Physical and Vision therapy soon. My calendar is filling up quickly and sometime I have to squeeze a dentist appointment into our schedule as well.

We appreciate all your prayers, please keep praying!

WARNING: You Might Get Offended

In the past six years I have had woman after woman say something along the lines of this to me, "I would LOVE to adopt, but my husband is not on board." Do you know what I don't say, but really want to? "I am sorry you married a WIMP!!" My second thought is more along the lines of the 140 million children that will never have someone hold and kiss them and tell them they are special and God made them. My mind wanders to the young Ukrainian girl who will age out and turn to prostitution to support herself. Or the 10 year old Bulgarian girl whose hair is cut to make her look like a boy for fear she will be kidnapped and sold into the sex trade industry. I think of the 13 year old boy who is only 2 or so years from aging out who will likely become a criminal or commit suicide by the time he turns 18. I think about the baby girl in China who is developmentally delayed and she will likely lay on a mattress on the floor today and someone will eventually walk by and hand her bottle and leave again.

Then, of course, I can almost always count on these to be the next words out of her (you know the women I mentioned earlier) mouth, "It's the money, he can't imagine where we could get that kind of money and we wouldn't want to go into debt to adopt" And I always have to bite my tongue as I look outside and see a beautiful, almost new SUV or mini van sitting outside that this picture perfect family just climbed of and I think REALLY??? So, you either just had $20,000 to $30,000 just sitting in savings or you have put this automobile on a several year payment plan. So, we (citizens of the US) will go into debt for an automobile that will depreciate and die, but won't even think about doing that "for the least of these"? I DON'T GET IT....SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME???

My final thoughts: I am SOOO glad I didn't marry a wimp!